my brain is on auto pilot it’s been like this for months now i can hardly remember anything or any specific detail about something it’s like i’m being pushed through my life with a film over everything days begin bleeding into each other when did this happen? it could of been yesterday or six months ago theres no real way of knowing.
i’m drowning in this hazy fog and all i really know is that i’m doing the same things every single day day in and day out everything is the same i pray for a disaster just to make things more interesting theres no end in sight this cycle is hell i can imagine how sisyphus feels i force my ugly body out of bed and drag it along with me through my day of school and work just to end up back in this shitty apartment in my bed alone again.
usually i’m so exhausted by the time i get home i collapse onto my bed and fall asleep immediately. my body finally relaxes all the thoughts in my brain slowly pan and filter out i subconsciously pick which ones are important or not important until i’m only left with what i actually care about and slowly those fade out growing larger and larger until they take up the entirety of my consciousness until even those thoughts fade as i fall asleep. but tonight, as soon as i begin falling asleep my mind snaps back into being away i can’t even keep my eyes closed my body becomes restless i have to get up i can’t stay comfortable.
i wonder around my shitty apartment complex it’s not a good idea but i can’t just pace around my room i’ll go crazy i need fresh air i need time to clear my head i don’t fully understand it but i keep walking it’s cold tonight my body doesn’t seem to mind.
my heart beat feels bigger that usual like each time it beats it’s pushing my organs out of it’s way it doesn’t hurt if i’m not concentrating on my surrounding my mind easily will slip off to some unknown realm i can’t even remember what i’m thinking in the moment i’m thinking i just focus on my feet
and i come across this rope it looks like one you would use to tie something down in a truck and i don’t know why but i pick it up and i carry it with me as i walk i’ve seen rope like this before i don’t know where it’s like deja vu my mind freezes up i can’t unlock those memories.
theres a lapse in time but i’m looking up at a big tree i wish i knew the name of it but it’s a nice tree i start climbing it i never did this when i was younger i bet. i can only go up so high i don’t know how high up i am but the ground makes me feel dizzy. i want to know if i still remember how to tie those knots i used to know in boy scouts and i tie the rope around a branch of the tree i forgot all the knots i knew i wish i could remember it frustrates me. i can only remember one knot i used to know a dozen or more but i can only remember this one.
the sky is that light grey blue color it is before the sun starts to rise i can see it through the leaves and branches of the tree i’m laying on my back in the grass it makes the backs of my arms itchy i can’t find that rope anywhere i get up and walk back to my apartment.
i open the blinds on my window for the first time in months and the early light of the day comes in partitioning itself through the plastic slats and for the first time ever i realized that my walls are painted some off color of white and not the typical white i thought they were.