just the fact that she even knows where to find me tells me enough. the boat rocks gently as she steps inside just enough to remind me how sea sick i get but it’s not that. her face is the same as before she’s always had and always will have the same face and i’m sure at some point someone will get to kiss that face every morning and that somebody won’t love her as much as i do. that face used to smile as soon as it saw me but now she seems annoyed. i’m sitting on a little white plank of wood that extends across the boat and she sits on the one opposite of me. theres not a sound for a long time our eyes are locked and i forgot that we in fact can not read each others minds. i rest my arm over the edge of the boat, it’s warm and thick my hand comes out stained red.
finally she says
was there a reason you wanted me to come out here?
my thoughts will never come out the way i want them to but nows not the time to feel self conscious.
i just… sometimes things that aren’t you smell like you and it hurts
she looks down and bites her upper lip i know exactly what that subconscious gesture means.
i start to say something else but she interrupts she says
what do you want? i don’t get you
i don’t get why you have to pretend you don’t love me
then she says something and so many pieces fall into place in my head she says
there is a version of you that i love. but there is another version of you that i can’t stand.
i want to be the version that you love all the time.
i want you to be that version too. that’s the version of you that i want to spend the rest of my life with.
i’m hugging my knees to my chest and she reminds me that i used to do that when i was a little kid.
i miss her hands i want to touch them so i do and she shoots me a look and says
don’t you see? it’s no good
it dawns on me that she probably doesn’t even want to be here at all, that i’m already her crazy ex boyfriend and she’s probably talking to someone new. she probably tells him about me and he probably hates me and thinks i’m pathetic. i feel stupid and pathetic and small and she says
come on. don’t do that.
i know you better than that.
my chest is hollow.
i know you do. and that hurts the most. i get that tingly feeling in my sinuses and i can feel the tears coming. i want it to stop but i can’t.
she turns her head to the side and her eyes are gentle again she sighs.
you worry too much. there was a time where you told me that it was going to be me and you in the end. and i believed you. right now i don’t so make me believe again. if it’s really going to be me and you in the end make me believe that.
she stands up and the boat rocks and just as gracefully as ever she steps over the side of the boat and onto the surface of the sea and begins to walk. she looks over her shoulder and says
i want to believe it