the drone of the fan in her room is out weighed by the sounds of the shower, i sit in the room that connects these two against the bathroom sink. i feel the most comfortable when i’m on the floor i’m the closest i can be to the ground without laying on it. it’s in this uncomfortable purgatory that i find myself to be the most comfortable. when a relationship you’re in finally starts to turn south, when the two people in it just start to notice and it’s a little tense, and a little awkward that’s when it’s the best time to meditate. that’s when clearing your mind and not thinking of anything is the most possible and the most ideal thing to do.
the shower turns off and i realize my eyes were closed for a long time and i hear her say
can you hand me a towel
so i get up and i do
she covers herself when i hand it to her
but i don’t look anyway
i sit on her bed and focus on my breathing
before you leave just… please tell me you know who i am
the silence that passes between us reminds me of christmas with my family. cold. distant.
her eyes look directly into mine like she’s actually trying to remember and i can feel a lump rise into my throat and i have to swallow it down
then like wax being scraped away her eyes they change like there was a film over them and she takes a sharp breath of air in and she says
your name is james
she blinks a few times
your name is james and i know you
her head cocks to one side
and i can’t hold it back hearing my name come out of her mouth brings me to tears immediately
i’ve tuned her out a few minutes ago but i stare intently at her lips and at the way they move when she forms words. her top lip is flat which only looks odd because the bottom one is so big. i stare at them and i know i probably look weird but theres something about her lips that are so familiar and i can’t shake it.
i know where that scar came from
i almost say it out loud but i just mouth the words
i feel like this is how it feels to be hypnotized
this girl i just met continues with her story
it’s not that her lips are familiar like i’ve seen them before but i know how they feel pressed against mine. i know how warm and soft they are. how she lightly bites at my bottom lip. how she-
are you listening to me?
but i still just stare at her lips