(read this slow and listen to Turquoise Hexagon Sun by Boards of Canada)
she’s used the word “monotonous” multiple times since we got here, and the only reason i’m frustrated with that is because she keeps shooting me this look when she says it. it’s as if she’s testing me to see if i know what it means.
she loves making me feel stupid.
but she’ll never admit it.
getting her to admit anything is like pulling teeth, i don’t even try anymore.
it took us 8 hours to get here and i hardly even walked into the house. my aunt owns this place and she rents it out to people as a sort of vacation home, but when no ones using it she lets us stay here for free. i used to come here as a kid with my family all the time and my favorite part was the deck above the detached garage. the house was built on a hill so it gives a perfect view of the ocean. the way the clear blue sky is against the almost motionless water looks fake. i try to focus on where these two meet but the setting sun off to the left makes it hard. the ocean consumes it, it sizzles and cracks as it submerges. the steam burns my eyes and i like it. it feels like it wants me to come closer, the sun wants me to save it. or at least bear witness to it’s death. the sun has kept me warm for my entire life, the least i could do is watch it die. so i walk, through the house i grab my shoes, and i’m almost through the front door before she says
where are you going?
down to the ocean
she points over her shoulder with her thumb
you put your bags in the guest room. why wouldn’t we sleep in the master?
i feel nothing
i say what i have to say
and i leave
the road that the house is on is the road you would take to get the the beach, it’s a straight shot all the way down. you could follow the double yellow lines straight to the sand.
the hill is steep and it hurts my feet as i walk.
for the first time in a long time i think about her. i met her at a party, it was a party i probably shouldn’t have even been at. a friend of mine invited me but i could tell it was a pity invite. i can’t remember if he invited me because i had no one, or if he had no one to go with. but i went on a whim.
i wish i didn’t.
this is where i met her. she was confident and smart, it was easy for her to impress people. i was fascinated by her, but i hated her at the same time. my lack of confidence is blatantly obvious when i look at her. i just wanted her to talk to me. humans are interesting that way. we always want what we don’t have. looking back on it i probably only wanted her attention because i didn’t have it. i knew there was no way i would go up and talk to her. just showing my face at a party was a miracle. so i sat on the couch and felt stupid.
i just watched her.
i watched her every move.
she tucks her hair behind her ear when she gets nervous and moved it back when she wasn’t.
she only looked at me once, and we held eye contact for just a second then she was gone. after that i was too bored to want to stay so i left.
it’s always what i want to do.
i’m absent minded as i walk down the front steps, i think i was trying to figure out where i parked or what i was going to do the rest of the night. a lot of the time i feel like im just killing time until i can go to sleep.
but i hear a voice say.
hey do you have a lighter?
her voice is smooth and tough. she’s sitting on the ledge of the porch and she’s looking right at me.
no one else is around.
as i walk closer i realize that she has a joint in her hand and not a cigarette. she takes the lighter from my hand and when she’s done using it she hands me the joint instead.
we sit there for a minute and talk about nothing, i’m surprised at how easy she is to talk to. usually, and i don’t say usually like i’m in these situations often, but usually i’m a nervous wreck. i fuck my words up and i run out of stuff to say almost instantly.
but she made me feel comfortable.
before she leaves me she gives me her number. that night was good, i felt cool.
after that we saw each other regularly.
the days i spent with her blended together.
the days i didn’t drug on forever.
i met her when i was 19 and i’m 23 now. i could of graduated high school again.
the ocean is a terrifying thing to me, but only if i think about it too hard. theres almost no one out tonight, all i can hear is the waves and the sound my shoes make on the wood of the pier. i wish it would extend
and my legs would never get tired and i could just walk like this for eternity.
a gentle wind blows and somehow it smells more like the ocean than the ocean does. my anxiety is gone for now just because i have something to focus on.
get to the end of the pier
it sound stupid but whatever helps.
theres a little life guard post at the end of the pier and i take a second to sit on it’s steps. i look over to where our house is and i’m surprised at how high up it is.
and how much lower i am from it.
i sit here with my eyes closed and listen to the waves crash and break on the beach and i feel peaceful. i completely forgot about the sun who is gone now.
tomorrow the world will panic because it won’t rise.
maybe no one will wake up.
i don’t know how long i’ve been sitting here but when i open my eyes the moon has just broken the surface of the water, it looks like the suns skeleton. i feel uneasy so i focus on the waves again.
but now they sound different.
theres something different about them for sure.
i’m positive that the waves sound different.
i can’t place it.
as i listen i notice that it’s not the waves but it’s a person.
slowly and faint at first.
but it grows.
as i listen the waves stop all together, and it’s perfectly clear that it’s someones voice.
muffled by water
then screaming again
i run to the edge of the pier and i look down. in the growing light of the moon i can make out a person in the water, splashing frantically and screaming.
and it doesn’t surprise me.
but it’s her.
she’s drowning right below me.
to no one i say
i think gods testing me
what does god want you to do?
and i’m crying but i’m smiling
the wind feels
and i’m cold but i
god needs one more angel tonight
i take a different way home
and i move my bags into the master bedroom