i watch her move around the house as a phantom of pure energy. it leaves a trail everywhere she goes, from our room into the living room and out the front door. and i’m almost in shock, or i feel frozen the word shock is too animated. i’m sitting in my room watching it all happen. watching her essence fill the room until it’s almost blinding. it feels like when you stare at something for so long you don’t want to look away and you realize that you haven’t blinked in a while, but you don’t know how long. i lightly dig at the scratches in the wood floor with my nails and i don’t look up as she walks out with bags and bags and bags.
i can’t remember our first kiss.
i close my eyes and try to think back as far as i can, i live in the thin line where my earliest memory fades into nothingness and she was there for that nothing. she’s always been there.
her boots on the floor sound slower and deeper they come closer and
she leans on the door to our room
is that everything?
i have to clear my throat twice
with a sigh
theres an awkward silence
so where now?
i want to imagine it’s hard for her to be here, or hard for her to leave.
well i have to drop a lot of this stuff off then go to a mattress store.
i motion towards the bed, i throw my hand at it, it feels like it wants to come off.
take the bed
so what, your going to sleep on the floor?
i shift so i’m laying down
yeah right here. i have everything i need
i’m looking at the ceiling and the little dust particles floating in the sun light.
take the bed. i can get a new one.
regardless one of us needs to get a new bed.
yeah i have a truck i can just go get one, that one is too big for me anyway.
i can hear her contemplating it.
just take it
she’s biting her nails
do you have the money for a new one? i can send you money
i sit up
zsalynn i have 3 pensions, i have more money than i know what to do with.
i lay back down
take the bed
i must have fallen asleep because i wake up to her shaking me. she’s looking at me and she’s smiling. it’s a smile i’ve never seen before and i can’t figure out whats missing. she’s looking at me and she’s smiling and i realize what a beautiful luxury this is and how i’ve taken it for granted.
the beds gone.
she sits down next to me, the only thing left in the room is my bookcase, which takes up half the far wall. my bookcase, a pile of my dirty clothes and the pink glow of the sunset.
so what are you going to do now?
i’m looking at the wall next to me
probably the same things we used to do. i’ll just do them alone now.
she punches me in the shoulder
that’s no way to live, fucker!
i’m looking at her and she’s looking at me and her eyes are golden and strong. fierce. she keeps me level. she keeps me grounded. i’m looking at her and i have to bite the inside of my cheek.
don’t do that
she leans in
be weak. you’ve always been tough and you always have to be tough. even when i’m not here.
the words melt into the floors, seep through the cracks and scar the earth.
you have to be tough
her voice hurts
the days will go by fast, eventually
she turns her head so she’s looking straight ahead
eventually you’ll look back and the days will be gone and it’ll hurt less and less and you’ll find someone new and you’ll think back on me and what we had and it’ll be some distant memory.
she turns back to me
and i almost laugh but the tears come and i look away
she grabs my face and pulls it towards hers
gravity is pulling me towards her lips
they feel forbidden now and it feels like my molecules are attached to hers and as she walks out my body disintegrates. the door closes and the strings snap and my body floats freely for a moment before it comes crashing to the floor.
and everything is dark
and everything burns and stings and throbs and everything is every way you can describe pain.
time doesn’t exist i could have been here for a second or millions of years i would have no way of knowing.
and eventually it feels that i am more than just a being of pain, the life slowly drains back into my body. i can feel the wood under me, and the air on my skin, i can feel my hair tickle my forehead my eyes my nose. my neck feels itchy then so scraggly and heavy.
then i can feel the earth, the universe rise and expand then sink and sink deeper.
each time it sinks less.
then i’m suddenly aware of my eyes, and how they’re closed and even the thoughts i’m having are old, rusted over. the thoughts are slow and thick like water working it’s way through sand. the sun is setting and it’s the first time i’ve seen light, it flows in through the window and paints the walls.
and i can move my toes and my feet and i can move my fingers and my hands.
everything tingles it feels like i’m full of ice, but i can feel so i stand and the floor feels good on my feet.
i kick dead flys and cockroaches as i walk, the dust covers everything.
the house has an absence to it, it seems as if just a few seconds ago the rooms were full of people and the people were just like me, in a way, and all at the same time they had to leave. the house feels like a carcass it feels dead. spider webs cling to the white walls, broken glass from a shattered window scatters the floor. my eyes jump from item to item.
a single chair
cords for a tv
a book case
records scattered across the floor
a movie poster
theres a picture
of a man and a woman
and the picture
slips from my hand
the sound echos for eternity in the barren living room
i go through the motions
i go to the bathroom
my hair is long
my heard grows patchy and stringy
i brush my teeth
i let my feet carry me to where i need to go i don’t bother trying to drive it’s a beautiful night. it just rained and the air feels heavy and clean. the street lights reflect off the wet road. thunder booms in the distance and the moon light disappears behind clouds.
my surroundings change but i feel as if i’m not moving at all. my legs move
but i feel as if i could turn around and walk right through the front door of my house. the sun rises the sun sets. cities build taller and taller, they walk with me then crumble i see trees and people and cars and none of it feels real.
my feet stop but i continue to move and the leaves float and the rocks and trees and the sun turns red and blue and pink and everything turns black.
and i open my eyes
the house is in front of me it’s door is red the walls are white. i hear the birds chirping but they’re far away.
someone turns the lights off and the door is still red and the walls are still white, the crickets chirp and the door creaks as it opens. my shoes are muffled by tall thick carpet. the house is the same temperature as outside. i weave my way through a hallway and into a living room and i realize that this house has the same vacant, lifeless feeling that mine did.
it feels hollow
there’s pictures on the walls, pictures that look like the ones in my house, i get closer, i take another step.
and it’s two people
it’s not me
it’s not me
it feels like theres a wall in my brain
it hurts it grows
she’s standing in the doorway, her long hair drapes over a white button up shirt. it’s oversized. it’s way too big on her.
the wall comes crumbling down.
i thought i would hear from you sooner.
my eyes get closer and closer to her
something dark and thick drips from it.
it drips onto the moon lit shirt and it looks black.
the sound of water dripping
the hum of the heater
theres a knife growing out of her stomach and my hands connected to the other end. the darkness surrounding the blade grows.
she holds my hand which holds the knife and she pulls it out of her stomach.
he doesn’t flinch
her hand leaves mine and i feel something rise in me, an emotion that’s completely new to this body.
i swing the knife and it cuts her throat
she gags and gurgles
the wound closes itself quickly
i do it again
i know it hurts
and the blood and the tears mix in the air and become one. the walls the floor, me and her are covered in it.
her shirt is soaked in blood
the blade disappears into her stomach
and over and over and overandoverandover
i can taste blood
the hint of iron makes my stomach churn
the walls scream it sounds like me and i lunge at her again and i slip and she catches me.
and the sun rises
and it’s morning
the blood is gone.
the light stretches across the room and touches the walls, she’s brushing my hair back with her fingers.
and she’s crying
and i’m crying.
it’s not fair
and i’m sobbing i bring her hand to my face and i hold it there.
yknow one day, i’m sure some astroid will blow this planet into a thousand little pieces. and we will be alive to see that. and when we get thrown into space, i’ll come find you and you’ll come find me.
i look up and her eyes are reflecting the sun
and we can explore this universe together.