saunter

i watch her move around the house as a phantom of pure energy. it leaves a trail everywhere she goes, from our room into the living room and out the front door. and i’m almost in shock, or i feel frozen the word shock is too animated. i’m sitting in my room watching it all happen. watching her essence fill the room until it’s almost blinding. it feels like when you stare at something for so long you don’t want to look away and you realize that you haven’t blinked in a while, but you don’t know how long. i lightly dig at the scratches in the wood floor with my nails and i don’t look up as she walks out with bags and bags and bags.

i can’t remember our first kiss.

i close my eyes and try to think back as far as i can, i live in the thin line where my earliest memory fades into nothingness and she was there for that nothing. she’s always been there.

her boots on the floor sound slower and deeper they come closer and

hi

she leans on the door to our room

is that everything?

i have to clear my throat twice

she says

yeah

with a sigh

theres an awkward silence

so where now?

i want to imagine it’s hard for her to be here, or hard for her to leave.

she says

well i have to drop a lot of this stuff off then go to a mattress store.

i motion towards the bed, i throw my hand at it, it feels like it wants to come off.

i say

take the bed

she scoffs

so what, your going to sleep on the floor?

i shift so i’m laying down

yeah right here. i have everything i need

here

i’m looking at the ceiling and the little dust particles floating in the sun light.

i say

take the bed. i can get a new one.

regardless one of us needs to get a new bed.

i say

yeah i have a truck i can just go get one, that one is too big for me anyway.

i can hear her contemplating it.

just take it

she’s biting her nails

do you have the money for a new one? i can send you money

i sit up

zsalynn i have 3 pensions, i have more money than i know what to do with.

i lay back down

take the bed

i must have fallen asleep because i wake up to her shaking me. she’s looking at me and she’s smiling. it’s a smile i’ve never seen before and i can’t figure out whats missing. she’s looking at me and she’s smiling and i realize what a beautiful luxury this is and how i’ve taken it for granted.

the beds gone.

she sits down next to me, the only thing left in the room is my bookcase, which takes up half the far wall. my bookcase, a pile of my dirty clothes and the pink glow of the sunset.

so what are you going to do now?

she says

i’m looking at the wall next to me

probably the same things we used to do. i’ll just do them alone now.

she punches me in the shoulder

that’s no way to live, fucker!

i’m looking at her and she’s looking at me and her eyes are golden and strong. fierce. she keeps me level. she keeps me grounded. i’m looking at her and i have to bite the inside of my cheek.

she says

don’t do that

do what

she leans in

be weak. you’ve always been tough and you always have to be tough. even when i’m not here.

even

when

i’m

not

here

the words melt into the floors, seep through the cracks and scar the earth.

you have to be tough

her voice hurts

the days will go by fast, eventually

she turns her head so she’s looking straight ahead

eventually you’ll look back and the days will be gone and it’ll hurt less and less and you’ll find someone new and you’ll think back on me and what we had and it’ll be some distant memory.

she turns back to me

and i almost laugh but the tears come and i look away

she grabs my face and pulls it towards hers

you

are going

to

be

fine

okay?

gravity is pulling me towards her lips

they feel forbidden now and it feels like my molecules are attached to hers and as she walks out my body disintegrates. the door closes and the strings snap and my body floats freely for a moment before it comes crashing to the floor.

and everything is dark

and everything burns and stings and throbs and everything is every way you can describe pain.

time doesn’t exist i could have been here for a second or millions of years i would have no way of knowing.

and eventually it feels that i am more than just a being of pain, the life slowly drains back into my body. i can feel the wood under me, and the air on my skin, i can feel my hair tickle my forehead my eyes my nose. my neck feels itchy then so scraggly and heavy.

then i can feel the earth, the universe rise and expand then sink and sink deeper.

it expands

and sinks

expands

and

sinks

each time it sinks less.

then i’m suddenly aware of my eyes, and how they’re closed and even the thoughts i’m having are old, rusted over. the thoughts are slow and thick like water working  it’s way through sand. the sun is setting and it’s the first time i’ve seen light, it flows in through the window and paints the walls.

and i can move my toes and my feet and i can move my fingers and my hands.

everything tingles it feels like i’m full of ice, but i can feel so i stand and the floor feels good on my feet.

i kick dead flys and cockroaches as i walk, the dust covers everything.

the house has an absence to it, it seems as if just a few seconds ago the rooms were full of people and the people were just like me, in a way, and all at the same time they had to leave. the house feels like a carcass it feels dead. spider webs cling to the white walls, broken glass from a shattered window scatters the floor. my eyes jump from item to item.

rug

a single chair

cords for a tv

a book case

records scattered across the floor

a movie poster

then

theres a picture

of a man and a woman

they’re

smiling

and the picture

slips from my hand

the sound echos for eternity in the barren living room

i go through the motions

pants

shirt

shoes

i go to the bathroom

my hair is long

my heard grows patchy and stringy

i brush my teeth

i let my feet carry me to where i need to go i don’t bother trying to drive it’s a beautiful night. it just rained and the air feels heavy and clean. the street lights reflect off the wet road. thunder booms in the distance and the moon light disappears behind clouds.

my surroundings change but i feel as if i’m not moving at all. my legs move

left

right

left

right

but i feel as if i could turn around and walk right through the front door of my house. the sun rises the sun sets. cities build taller and taller, they walk with me then crumble i see trees and people and cars and none of it feels real.

my feet stop but i continue to move and the leaves float and the rocks and trees and the sun turns red and blue and pink and everything turns black.

and i open my eyes

the house is in front of me it’s door is red the walls are white. i hear the birds chirping but they’re far away.

someone turns the lights off and the door is still red and the walls are still white, the crickets chirp and the door creaks as it opens. my shoes are muffled by tall thick carpet. the house is the same temperature as outside. i weave my way through a hallway and into a living room and i realize that this house has the same vacant, lifeless feeling that mine did.

it feels hollow

there’s pictures on the walls, pictures that look like the ones in my house, i get closer, i take another step.

and it’s two people

her

and

the other

isn’t me

it’s not me

it’s not me

it feels like theres a wall in my brain

it hurts it grows

then

hi

she’s standing in the doorway, her long hair drapes over a white button up shirt. it’s oversized. it’s way too big on her.

then

the wall comes crumbling down.

evaporates.

she says

i thought i would hear from you sooner.

my eyes get closer and closer to her

mouth

something dark and thick drips from it.

it drips onto the moon lit shirt and it looks black.

the sound of water dripping

the hum of the heater

then

theres a knife growing out of her stomach and my hands connected to the other end. the darkness surrounding the blade grows.

she whispers

it’s okay

she smiles

it’s okay

she holds my hand which holds the knife and she pulls it out of her stomach.

he doesn’t flinch

it’s okay.

her hand leaves mine and i feel something rise in me, an emotion that’s completely new to this body.

i swing the knife and it cuts her throat

she gags and gurgles

it’s okay

the wound closes itself quickly

i do it again

and again

and

again

it’s okay

she says

i know it hurts

she says

and the blood and the tears mix in the air and become one. the walls the floor, me and her are covered in it.

her shirt is soaked in blood

the blade disappears into her stomach

over

and

over

and over and over and overandoverandover

i can taste blood

it stings

it hurts

the hint of iron makes my stomach churn

the walls scream it sounds like me and i lunge at her again and i slip and she catches me.

and the sun rises

and it’s morning

the blood is gone.

the light stretches across the room and touches the walls, she’s brushing my hair back with her fingers.

she whispers

it’s okay.

and she’s crying

and i’m crying.

i say

it’s not fair

and i’m sobbing i bring her hand to my face and i hold it there.

she says

yknow one day, i’m sure some astroid will blow this planet into a thousand little pieces. and we will be alive to see that. and when we get thrown into space, i’ll come find you and you’ll come find me.

i look up and her eyes are reflecting the sun

and we can explore this universe together.

 

 

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